Just Look
by amberpire
Summary: "Read me!" Suki throws her hands up, her face practically screaming her thoughts in bold, capital letters. "Don't tell me you can't!" ;Suki/CJ;


Suki isn't sure when she fell in love with CJ; she guesses it was somewhere between the first moment she met her and the second.

She's too pretty for her own good, Suki thinks, as CJ falls into the seat beside her in their Journalism class. Their shoulders are touching. Suki can smell her soap - vanilla. The teacher drones but Suki isn't paying attention, too hyperaware of the way CJ's skirt is riding up her legs every time she shifts them. The skin is pale and untouched.

CJ sighs and rests her head on Suki's shoulder. It makes her chest swell.

(Just look. Look at my face.)

/

Things were easier before Ian came. And that's not to say that Suki isn't grateful for him, because she is, but before him, none of them had a leader. They wanted to get out of Tower Prep as much as the next student, but her and CJ and Gabe had been there for so long, it was almost become peaceful to wake up inside Tower Prep's walls.

She likes Ian. She really does. But CJ likes him a little too much, and CJ isn't spending the night in Suki's room anymore.

She used to sneak in in the middle of the night, crawl under the sheets, and when Suki rolled over CJ's eyes were wide and scared.

Suki misses when she was needed, because now CJ has confidence, and is fearless. She didn't use to be so bold. She misses holding CJ at night and rubbing her back and telling her it would all be okay eventually. CJ would nod into her neck and drift off to sleep, and when the sun washed in through the window, Suki would brush the other girl's hair from her face and touch her cheek.

Ian changed things. Changed CJ.

/

"What do you like about Ian?"

Suki is on CJ's bed, a math book balanced in her lap. She watches CJ as the other girl turns from the desk, big, brown eyes raising curious brows at her, and she's so pretty Suki can hardly stand it.

"What do you mean?" CJ plucks at a thread in her skirt and Suki watches, swallowing hard. CJ has nice legs, Suki thinks absently, struggling to keep that thought out of her throat.

"What do you like about him? Like, what makes you ... like him?"

CJ smiles faintly, dreamily, and Suki feels like running out of the room right then because she thinks about CJ at night and CJ thinks about a boy. CJ chews on the eraser end of her pencil and shrugs her shoulder, a sigh so lovesick it makes Suki want to throw something at her.

(Can't you see I'm in love with you? Look at me.)

"He's nice, and funny, and ... brave." CJ laughs lightly, shaking her head. "I don't know. Lots of things."

"What do you like about me?" It comes out before Suki can stop it and CJ is raising her eyebrows again, confused.

"What? You're my best friend, Suk. I like ... I like everything about you." CJ frowns, lowering her pencil on the desk and standing. Suki lowers her eyes to her lap, trying to focus on the numbers on the pages but they're blurring together because CJ is perching next to her, a hand on her knee. It's too hot but not unpleasantly so and then CJ is touching Suki's hair, whispering softly to her. "Hey, are you all right? Did you think you weren't my best friend anymore because of Ian?"

Suki's eyes dart up to CJ's. They're still that same, soft brown she would see peeking at her from the edges of her sheets, but they're strong now. They're strong and bold and so _there_, and it's not that Suki wants CJ to be weak, but she wishes there was still a part of her that needed Suki as badly as Suki needs CJ. The Asian girl shakes her head, biting her lip as CJ's arms close around her shoulders and bring her closer.

"You'll always be my best friend, Suk. No boy is going to change that, not even Ian."

Suki wants to believe that.

But she doesn't.

/

Suki kisses her the day after CJ kisses Ian. Just to make a point. Because she has to.

CJ is in the bathroom, doing her hair. Suki is brushing her teeth. It's almost lights out and the bathroom is empty except for them. CJ has had this smile on her face since the day previous, when she stole a kiss from Ian, and Suki had to watch and pretend like she didn't care.

Suki kissed Gabe, but CJ didn't even glance, hadn't even mentioned it.

She doesn't like feeling bitter, or angry, or any of that, but she is. She's feeling it more now than she ever has. She looks at CJ and spits the toothpaste in the sink, rinsing the brush under the water. "So, are you guys, like, together now?"

CJ pauses, the brush freezing mid-swipe in her hair. She's watching Suki from the mirror and Suki pretends not to notice, bending over the sink to let the water run into her mouth.

"Why does that question sound angry?"

Suki spits the water out and avoids the other girl's eyes as she screws the cap on the toothpaste bottle. Like she doesn't know. Like she's oblivious. Suki meets her own reflection. "I thought your specialty was reading faces, Ceej."

"It is." CJ sets the brush on the sink. "Are you questioning -"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm questioning your so called 'power'." Suki turns, meets the other girl's eyes. "Because I know it's written all over my face."

CJ's eyes are studying her, calculating, and then they tear away far too quickly, back to the mirror. "I see jealousy."

Suki's eyebrow twitches. "Yeah."

"Of me."

Suki gives a dry, harsh laugh at that. "Apparently you're not as skilled as you thought."

(I'm not jealous of you. I'm jealous of Ian.)

CJ spins, her hair whirling around her shoulders. "What is the matter with you?"

"Read me!" Suki throws her hands up, her face practically screaming her thoughts in bold, capital letters. "Don't tell me you can't!"

The other girl meets her eyes but there's a hesitance there Suki hasn't seen in a long time, a fear that used to hide in the sheets of her bed. She shakes her head, taking the brush off of the sink. "No."

Suki grabs her elbow before she can move anywhere, and when CJ turns to scream at her Suki silences her with her mouth. The kiss is brief and hard, and Suki's heart is in her throat when she pulls back and says, "Read that."

She leaves, and CJ drops the brush on the floor.

/

CJ doesn't talk to her for three days after that. Suki cries. A lot.

"What's wrong?"

It's Gabe. He's touching her back.

She looks at CJ across the room.

(I know you could read it.)

CJ meets her eyes, swallows, and turns away.

"Girl problems."

That puts Gabe off immediately. He backs away, and Suki isn't sure if it's because it's girl problems or because he knows it's CJ problems. No one wants to be involved with that.

/

(Talk to me, please.)

It's like CJ can suddenly read minds because that day in class she sits next to her like she used to and their shoulders touch and Suki's heart slams unmercifully against her sternum.

While the teacher is talking, CJ scribbles on a piece of paper and presses it against Suki's wrist. The Asian girl takes it, flicks her eyes to CJ's profile but she can't read it, has never been talented that way, and when she reads the words on the paper her heart stops.

_You're my best friend and I love you. You kiss better than Ian._

Suki feels like dying, and when the bell rings, CJ takes her by the wrist and drags her to her room and kisses her against the door.

They're late for their next class. In fact, they don't even go.

/

Ian is confused.

CJ is holding her hand as they're discussing escape plans. Suki's cheeks are red. She asks her what made her change her mind after that night in the bathroom.

"I read my own face." CJ shrugs, laughing slightly. "I thought of Ian and I thought of you and it was all in my lips, and my eyes, and ..." She laughs slightly, meeting Suki's eyes. "I need to start paying attention more. Ian's face is lust, yours is -"

Suki kisses her, right in front of Ian and Gabe.

(Love. My face is love.)

/


End file.
